I found this letter while cruising the net but it needed to be tweaked just a little, LOL.
After all the years we’ve spent together, the time has finally come to stop beating around the bush, so to speak. As difficult as this is for me, I am just going to blurt it out – I hate you!
And, if we are going to be truthful with each other, it has become glaringly obvious that you hate me back.
To be blunt, I don’t think we should see each other ever again. It’s just too painful for me. I’m sick of getting all worked up for nothing and I’m sick of dreaming that things will be different between us some day. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I don’t know how a true love like ours could end up going off course.
Remember when it all began, Golf? I was so eager to learn and you, well, you’d been around the track a few times and spent your days cavorting around the club with anyone who had a decent set of stix. Even then, I knew you were a real swinger.
But, for me at least, it was love at first slice. Sure, I didn’t know how to get a grip on you in the beginning and I found your countless rules and regulations baffling, but I was blinded by desire.
The sight of your smooth fairways, your immaculately manicured greens and your rock hard sand traps drove me wild. Not to mention those cute little dimples on your you-know-whats. For me, looking at a new putter was like looking at a field of new-fallen snow, full of hope and opportunity.
I had to have you, Golf. Little did I know you were just, well, playing a round with me, if you catch my general drift.
How could you be so cruel? If you even liked me a little bit, you wouldn’t treat me the way you do. Why do you think I bought those ridiculously expensive clubs? For Myself? Ha, Golf! Ha! Don’t make me laugh. It was all for you. Even the way I dressed. Do you think I’d ever be seen in public wearing argyle and pearls if I weren’t trying to impress you?
And did you appreciate it, Golf? Again, ha! You go out of your way to embarrass me. Do I have to remind you of what you put me through on the first hole that one time? Those sprinklers weren’t malfunctioning, they took dead aim. It’s always the first hole with you, isn’t it?
It was embarrassing and uncomfortable for me to have to play that whole round in wet pants and shoes but I loved you that much. Wild horses couldn’t have dragged me away.
You are such a tease, Golf. You relish holding me under your evil spell, then tossing me aside like so many crumpled scorecards. The worst part is you openly love my friends more than you love me. In fact, you love everyone more than you love me. Why else would you let them score at will while I just get the shaft?
Looking back, everything about you drives me mad. Just once I would have liked to spend a little time with you alone. But, no, you always wanted our affair in public so everyone could watch me making a fool of myself.
Perhaps you’d like to explain why it is that, whenever we hooked up, you made sure I understood that there was a certain etiquette and more importantly a time limit. Like it or not 5 hours was way more than I could ask for.
If I sound bitter, it’s because I am. I gave you everything, Golf. I sweated over you. I went clubbing with you. I even bared my soul and showed you my swing. I should never have taken up with you in the first place. I thought you’d be a slice of heaven, but now your name is a four-letter word. And look what you’ve done to that poor Tiger Woods. He’ll never be the same.
Well, guess what? It’s over between us. That’s right, I’m seeing someone else. His name is Bocce and he lives in my neighborhood. I’m pretty sure he’s Italian. So, eat your heart out, Golf.
Since we are being brutally honest, I’d also like to confess that I cheated on you. I am not proud of it but the truth is, most duffers cheat on you, especially in silly scrambles where everyone gets drunk and forgets the rules.
And here’s something you didn’t know – I’m married. It’s true. I’ve been married for almost 10 years and I am sure my husband knows I’ve been seeing you. He hates you too, Golf. He thinks I spend too much of my time and his money on you .
So I hope you’ll understand that our relationship is finished. Unless, of course, you have a tee time open for next Saturday, in which case I’ll be right over and maybe we could give it one last shot. Even if it has to be in a three or foursome
Hopelessly out of bounds,